Journal: Words

Words are a thing.

We use them for expressing how we feel, most of the time at least. The problem is, what happens when what you are feeling is so bundled up and curled in upon yourself that you have no words? What happens then? What if you are feeling so much that you are just overwhelmed with it all and want to hide away from everything? What can words do then?

Words become sounds in that situation. They become screams and groans, howls and sobs. They become scrunched up stomach muscles and explosions of tears. They change into confused glances and worried nails, colours and swirling images in your mind. They choke you and cause lumps in your throat that make you have to swallow back what you wanted to say.

They make you hold in the “but I love you’s” and the “please help me’s”.

You have no words when your mind steals them from you. You become your own prison and your own torturer. Nothing can set it right because you have no way of saying what it is that is wrong. After you have kept the words squashed down and captive for a while they start to lose all sense of meaning. They start to become fearful and try to hide away when you begin to feel like you might be able to say something. They skitter like scared little spiders across your brain, into the dark places within your mind. They like the dark places. It’s safe there and they are amongst company that feels the same as they do.

The words become so good at hiding from you that you begin to wonder if they will ever come out. All you can do is cry and scream, and wonder why, why me? Why do I have to feel so much? Why do I have to hurt? Why do I have to love? Why can’t I be free from this? Why won’t the words just come out? Why do I have to be so scared?

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Journal: Fear and Panic in the Publishing House

Soooo, F has planted the idea of publishing in my brain and it seems that my brain is starting to like said plan.

I’ve just spent all morning (in between looking after a sick other half and a kitten) reading about how to publish short erotic stories on Amazon. It actually seems very do-able.

I’ll have to research and learn more about the publishing process of Amazon looks at F but yeah, I think I’m actually going to be brave and do this stuff. It’s been a personal goal of mine to make real money from my writing and whilst I do VERY much enjoy writing my novel (35k words and counting), I am also actually GOOD at writing porn. Sorry, erotica. I’m good at the novel too, but the porn tends to steal my brain more often than not and run away with it to happy kinky places.

By focussing on making money through erotica on Amazon I can also actually contribute to the household income, which isn’t something I’m doing right now.

My wonderful other half is supporting me through my writing trials and authors growing pains. He is a good man. A patient one too.

With the introduction of F into my life and her infinite and seemingly bottomless belief that I can do this shit, I’m actually starting to feel the same way. I believe this is what healthy people call hope and self belief. So yeah, watch this space for links to my books on Amazon folks!

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